Intolerance: The Root of Most Violence
People tend to fear or distrust people who are not like themselves. When we convince ourselves that our way is the "right" way, we are more likely to strike out at those who are different. In fact, intolerance of differences is at the root of most violence.

Children Need to Express Themselves
As parents, we cannot assume that children are unaware of what is happening around them. As educators, we know that we must talk about these issues with our children. We must ensure that children receive opportunities to express how they feel and to channel these feelings into positive actions in their own lives and in their communities.

Before any discussion begins, it is imperative that every effort be made to create an environment where children will feel comfortable expressing their views.

Establish Ground Rules
Establishing ground rules for discussion can be a positive way of beginning. You may want to ask children to imagine they are playing a game of basketball. Ask them if they can imagine playing the game without rules. What would happen if nobody followed the rules? Then ask the children to think about the rules they would like to see in place to help them feel safe, especially when they want to talk about issues that may be fearful to them. Points to stress include respecting one another's opinions, being open to new ideas, having empathy, listening actively, and maintaining confidentiality.

The Guidelines
The skills we need to dialogue effectively with children change as they grow. Each child develops differently, and at his or her own pace. There are a few guidelines that are consistent regardless of the stage the child is in:

• Treat all children's questions with respect and seriousness, no matter how difficult they may seem to you. Do not shush, ignore, or dismiss them. If they make you feel uncomfortable or anxious, ask yourself why. Your own discomfort is not a valid excuse for silence. A child will most likely sense your discomfort and interpret it as an indication of danger. It is okay to tell a child that you feel uncomfortable, and you need to think about his or her question.



• Clarify the question, so that you can understand what is being asked and why. It is also important to understand what led to the question. A good way to clarify a question is to first repeat it back and then inquire why you are being asked, or how your child is feeling about this topic. Remember that what a young child may need now is reassurance, closeness and continuity with a familiar routine.



• Answer questions as clearly and honestly as you can and use developmentally appropriate language and definitions. Be sure that you define terms in a way that is age-appropriate. Try not to preach; rather, be matter of fact. If you do not know the answer, say so and make a plan to try to find out.



• Correct yourself if you give a "wrong" or incomplete answer. Don't be afraid of mistakes. Remember, children often make mistakes and are a lot more forgiving of them than most adults. Admitting our mistakes teaches children how to do this when necessary.



• Be alert to signs of upset. These include withdrawal, lack of interest, acting out, fear of school, or other activities.



• Point out when an ethnic group is stereotyped on television or in a book and explain why it is unfair to stereotype. Address any biased comments a child makes and help them understand that words can hurt. Children who yell a racist or hurtful name as a reaction to anger or fear need to be talked with. They must learn that these words are unacceptable under any circumstances. They should be helped to understand that hate-based violence doesn't start out physically; it usually starts with words, then escalates.



• Take appropriate action against prejudice and discrimination. Children need to know that discriminatory behavior is unacceptable. They will look to adults to learn how to confront bigotry. Children should also be encouraged to know that they, too, can confront prejudice and can create positive change (e.g., painting over racist graffiti, collecting contributions for those hurt by hate).